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  • Joe Kerr

    A jazz trio is playing a gig at an upscale nightclub. They play a classic bebop tune at a fleet tempo with grace and ease. Then comes a Wayne Shorter composition filled with mysterious harmonies, poignant
    melodies and daring improvisations. Next they present a medley of lesser known Harold Arlen songs that only a connoisseur would recognize, again played with elegant styling and exquisite taste.

    The whole evening has been one dazzling performance after another.Though the trio is playing background music and not a formal concert, the audience can sense that the musical display they are
    witnessing is of such a high calibre that the musicians should be allowed to perform as they please without interference.

    Then a well-dressed middle-aged man approaches the bandstand and asks the pianist: "Can you play Lara's Theme from Dr Zhivago?" The pianist tells the man that they are jazz musicians and that they usually don't take requests of that sort. The man reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out three one hundred dollar bills which he lays out on the piano. The pianist looks at the bass player and drummer and says: "Lara's Theme in G."

    They play the tune in the fashion of the original version, the pianist emulating the Balalaika textures with a delicate upper register tremolo. The song obviously does not present the same level of difficulty that the trio is accustomed to dealing with.

    As the pianist plays, he absent-mindedly gazes at the soundboard of his ebony Steinway B and wonders about the grain in the wood. How would the tonal characteristics be altered if the grain of the soundboard ran perpendicular to the strings rather than parallel, he silently asks himself.

    The bass player amuses himself with an assortment of well-placed double-stops and harmonics. He daydreams as he looks at the top of his mid-nineteenth century double bass made by French master, Paul Claudot, and wonders: "How many times has the top been varnished, how did the varnish of past years differ from today's, how would the resonance properties be affected if there were no varnish at all?"

    The drummer gazes down onto the single ply, medium weight head of his 1950's vintage black oyster pearl snare drum and thinks to himself: "One, two, three, one, two, three, one, two, three."

  • Joe Kerr

    Just before rehearsal is about to start on the Orchestra's "Bring Your Child to Work Day," the conductor is horrified to see the bass player hitting one of the children.
    "You can't do that!" he yells. "Why are you hitting him?"
    "He slackened one of my strings", replies the bass player.
    "No problem," says the conductor, "just tune the string up again."
    "I can't!" screams the bass player. "He won't tell me which one."

  • Mike Cooper

    Hi Neil — Are you by any chance the Midlands born musician who never guessed when stuffing naan breads in Saleems many years ago that much later he would be the subject of more than one biographical enquiry from someone called Annie Rack?

  • Annie Rack

    Hi Neil — Are you by any chance the American, jury spitting Neil Simpson who was convicted of killing Pizza Shop owner David Kowalczyk, and sentenced in Judge Mark A. Betleski's court in 2008?

  • Annie Rack

    Are you by any chance the 1966 British born Neil Simpson, who is the author of biographies on Paul O'Grady, Lorraine Kelly, Jonathan Ross, Jade Goody, Billie Piper, has been an award-winning journalist and a section editor on newspapers such as the Daily Mirror, Sunday Telegraph and Mail on Sunday and has written regularly for the Daily Star and many consumer magazines?

  • Joe Kerr

    At the IQ Lounge, the staff engages patrons in conversations based on the person's IQ. One evening there are three men at the bar. After learning the first fellow's IQ is 135, the bartender begins a discussion on the latest theory on black hole physics. With the second (IQ 121), he discusses classic literature. The third patron tries to avoid giving his IQ. The bartender persists until the poor guy admits he's got an IQ of 92. At which point the bartender says: "Cool! Do you prefer flatwounds or roundwounds?"

  • Hunter S Thompson

    The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side.

  • Joe Kerr

    During his first lesson the student was given four notes to practice on just the first string of his bass guitar. The next week he was given four more notes to practice on just the second string. After that, the student never returned for another lesson. A year later the teacher met him on the street. After exchanging pleasantries, the teacher asked: "Aren't you going to continue with your lessons?" "Oh yes, I've been meaning to," the student replied, "but I just can't find the time. I've been getting so much work..."

  • Mother

    I think this site is in poor taste and not at all funny.

  • Joe Kerr

    After years of hiding the fact that the love is gone, the last child moves out of the house and Mom and Dad announce they're getting a divorce. The kids are distraught and hire a marriage counsellor as a last resort at keeping their parents together.The counsellor works for hours, tries all of his methods, but the couple still won't talk to each other. Finally, he goes over to a closet, brings out a beautiful upright bass and begins to play. After a minute or so, the couple starts talking and they discover that they're not actually that far apart and decide to give their marriage another try.The kids are amazed and ask the counsellor how he managed to do it. He replies: "I've never seen a couple that wouldn't talk through a bass solo."

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